the bible // part two

You thought I was going to give up on this, but here comes round two. For part one, and the intro to this whole thing, scroll down or click here.Let’s get right into it:

Genesis 9 - God calls for animal sacrifices. He also says that if a man sheds another mans blood, the guilty man’s blood will be shed by man. This was the first time God called for man to carry out a punishment for a crime. Again, the punishment happened in this lifetime. No mention of the afterlife. This was also a new rule: Don’t kill or shed each other’s blood - if you do, your blood will be shed. It doesn’t say you’ll be killed, it just says your blood will be shed. My interpretation is that the punishment should fit the crime.

9:11 - God again promises never to send a flood. He keeps saying this. He must have felt pretty bad about it. People were probably more afraid of God after the flood than he had intended them to be.

9:25 - Noah “curses” his son Ham. He says that Ham will be a servant to his brothers.

12:3 - God promises to “curse” anyone who dishonors Abram (Abraham). He doesn’t say what this means. Still no mention of heaven or hell (or the afterlife).

12:17 - The Lord hits Pharaoh with plagues because he took Abrams wife (even though Abram and his wife lied about who she was). Again, punishment in this lifetime.

Chapter 15 - God promises Abram a large family, then tells him they will be afflicted for 400 YEARS before they will be blessed (holy crap). God also promises lots of land to Abraham.

Note: It seems strange that God apparently arbitrarily picks Abraham out of a crowd to be the “chosen son.” I guess someone had to do it though.

Chapter 16 - Ishmael. Weird. I don’t get it. Why the prophecy about him being wild and against everyone? Was it Gods will or was God just saying what would happen? Is there a difference?

Chapter 17 - Prophecy about circumcision. Totally weird idea. Seems like they could have come up with something a little less INSANE. God says “anyone not circumcised” would be “cut off from his people” (pun intended?) - why was God so harsh about this? What did it mean to be “cut off from his people”? Still, no talk of heaven/hell.

Chapter 18 - Sodom & Gomorrah. CRAZY STORY. THE MEN OF SODOM WERE TRYING TO ASS-RAPE ANGELS. WHAT?!? HOLY SHIT. Check out verse 19:11:

And [the angels] struck with blindness the men who were at the entrance of the house, both small and great, so that they wore themselves out groping for the door.

They wore themselves out groping for the door. Damn. Talk about a loaded sentence. Can you picture that? Murderous rapists clawing to get into your home, then being struck BLIND by ferocious angels and scrambling with all their might to get the hell out of that house as soon as possible.

This was the first appearance of angels physically interacting with humans (as far as I can tell), and the lesson we learn here is clear: DON’T MESS WITH ANGELS. THEY WILL TOTALLY KILL YOU.

19:24 - Sodom & Gomorrah destroyed. Still, no mention of any kind about heaven or hell. No talk about the afterlife at all. The people just died, and according to the text, that was the full breadth of their punishment. If any further punishment happened after their death, it is not mentioned here. It is also worth noting that God spared anyone he found righteous.

19:32 - Lot’s daughters date-rape him and both of them get pregnant.

This book is nuts.