back to the future

Lately I’ve realized how much of my time and energy is spent (or lost) appeasing and/or satisfying myself with complete crap. Here’s what I mean:I’m a revved up and energy-filled person. I crank up the tunes and dance around the house and talk in stupid voices and want to punch things on a regular basis. I feel like a Ferrari - like I’m sitting on an 850 horsepower engine that is constantly begging to be let loose - and honestly, its a little exhausting getting behind the wheel of a such a machine everyday just to go to the coffee shop and the library. Sometimes I wish I was a VW Bug, with just 36 horsepower and four completely reasonable speeds. My thoughts tend to get pretty jumbled at 140 mph, but at five-under-the-speed-limit in the Bug, I know exactly what I’m thinking.

So that’s the situation in my body. I start the day idling at 1100 rpm and I have to figure out a way to settle down enough to sit at my computer and edit pictures without launching into outer space on the jet fuel that seems to pump through my veins all the time. Now I know what you’re thinking:

This doesn’t really sound like me.

- which I totally get, because I’ve found a handful of ways to settle myself down to maintain an easy chill most of the time. The problem is - the things I do to settle and drop my energy levels are total bullshit and I’m getting increasingly sick of them.

Here’s what I do:

  1. Use tobacco products constantly.
  2. Drink and make plans that specifically include drinking.
  3. Stay up way too late doing numbers 1 and 2 with friends.
  4. Frantically check email/Facebook/Twitter/blogs/Instagram during every slightly free second of the day to avoid any possibility of momentary emptyhandedness.
  5. Satisfy/distract my brain with thoughts of _______________ (anything useless, dangerous, or unproductive).
  6. Accept every invitation to anything happening socially.
  7. Make distant plans that will likely never happen to temporarily appease my wanderlust.
  8. Buy useless bullshit to further use up my time, energy, and thoughts.

And the biggest problem with all of that (other than the obvious) is those eight things do their job of wasting my time and energy so well that I don’t have any extra time or energy to do things I would much rather be doing, both for their individual value and for the purpose of keeping my engines cool enough to work and manage my business everyday in a much more satisfying and overall healthy (and completely shameless) way.

Such as:

  1. Riding my bike
  2. Swimming laps
  3. Reading mentally engaging books
  4. Hanging out with people that edify me
  5. Keeping my house and yard clean
  6. Expanding and growing my business
  7. Focusing on my wife and kids

So there it is.

I’ve pinpointed it.

This is precisely what has been silently frustrating me for the past few years. I’ve actually been in quite a slump for the last week or so, unconsciously knowing that this was on the horizon - that things were about to change for me. I’m sure this second list will change and evolve as I slowly wake up from the Matrix and find that I have arms and legs that are actually useful for real-world activities.

So I think I’m going to take off the governor and let my Ferrari roar - doing what it was designed to do. I’m not very good at driving it yet, but the car still knows what it wants - to be let loose.

So I’m throwing off the chains of my own oppression and taking on the hideous weight of being a person who acknowledges and directly pursues what he wants most.

After all, if we aren’t doing that -

what the hell else are we doing down here?