But I’m trying to change that.I generally don’t want to talk to people, or touch people, or connect with them. I give people that smile that says “I’m not as scary as I look, but still don’t talk to me, I’m really busy”.
The main reason I don’t like people is because of the way they look. Not their skin color, that doesn’t really bother me - it’s just their general appearance. If people look stupid or fat or ugly, I don’t really want to talk to them or acknowledge them. A complete redneck is just as bad as a gangbanger or a frat guy or a gutter-punk or anything else. It has nothing to do with who they are as a person - its all about how worthless I decide they are because of the way they look at first glance.
Don’t act all surprised about what I’m saying here, we all have thoughts like this, I’m just the guy saying them right now.
I know, I know, I sound like a total asshole - and I’ll be the first to admit that, deep down, I really am a complete asshole at heart - I think really awful thoughts about people sometimes.
But I’m trying to change this.
I’m trying to look at the world - at people - the way Jesus looks at them. I’m trying to look at a person and instead of seeing a big fat idiot, seeing him as a hurting child who needs a genuine kind smile and maybe even some kind of physical contact - a pat on the back, or a bump on the arm.
I’m trying to walk around and see everyone as the person that could save my life in the future. If anyone of you people ever saw me choking or get hit by a truck or something, I bet you would come to my aid, despite all the terrible things I’ve ever thought about you, and I know that God might actually cause something like that to happen just because he knows my heart and knows that this is something that needs to change in me. So I feel compelled to save myself from all of that by changing the awful things about my heart ahead of time. By preempting God.
I don’t know if that is possible or not, but it seems to make sense to me. I want to see all the things about me that need to change, and then actively change them on my own before some outside force causes it to happen.
Why should I wait for that future choking situation when I can go ahead and change how I see others now?
You see, I prayed a really dangerous prayer a long time ago - that God would do whatever he needed to do to change me into the best version of myself possible. I prayed that before I knew how insane God really was. He actually does what you ask him to do - but he always does it in the most insane way possible.
Like, if you have cancer on your toe or something, and you pray and ask God to take the cancer away, he might figure out a way for you to get run over by a train and lose your entire leg - and you’ll be like “WOAH WOAH WOAH TAKE IT EASY!!” and God will be like “What? I just took away your cancer, you’re welcome.” - and then you’ll realize you’re not going to die anymore and you’ll be happy - but it takes a while to get there.
Anyway, that’s how I think God works - and God sees my judgmental heart and he doesn’t like it, and neither do I. So I want it to change. I want to treat everyone like I would if they saved my life in the future and I went back in time and had a chance to be nice to them now, which is exactly where I am right now. Always in the future’s past, trying to do things better than I did the first time, which hasn’t happened yet.
It’s actually a pretty cool feeling when you think about it. I’m free in the past of the future to do whatever I want - the right way, right now. I’m really not bound by the fear of what might happen because of the risky way I do something now, because I’m just changing my own future’s past, which makes the future even better.
Woah, this blog post really took a turn for the sci-fi.
Anyway, that’s how I think, and I’m going to try to like people better now. I’m going to try to see you a good person, and a kind person, and someone that needs the blessing of a gentle touch or a warm smile or a compliment, because if we’re really honest about it, we all need that. I need it too.
Let’s all manipulate the past to change the future, deal?
Today is your chance, look at your day today like a chance to change your own past, to manipulate something to fix things in the future. You’ve travelled back in time to today, and no one else realizes it but you - what are you going to do differently?