Sometimes I think this:

If Satan exists like we say he does, and if he is at all similar to what we think he is, then I give up.Yeah he hates marriage and God and the church and he hates me and I can deal with that being true - but what I can't deal with is that he is so relentless with it. If I was relentless too that would work out fine, but I'm not relentless.

I relent. Whenever I want to. All the time, actually. I'm great at relenting.

Of course, they say God is relentless too, and I need not worry with battling the devil all by myself, because God fights against him in my stead.

But that can't be true because if that was true I wouldn't feel like somebody kicked me in the guts and stole my lunchbox so much of the time.

I can testify to the steady relentlessness of the devil. He's impressive in his ability to maintain an attack literally forever. The devil is excellent at being reliable. The apostle Paul said so himself:

So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand.

God, on the other hand, despite his countless promises to do the opposite, seems to hang people out to dry pretty regularly. Look what God did to Job. Read the Psalms. They are full of praises but they are also full of questions like "God, why have you forsaken me?" and "Do not forget me forever!"

Even Jesus was forsaken by God on the cross.

So what's the deal? God drops us off at the pool with Satan playing lifeguard? He certainly did that to Adam and Eve, didn't he? Is that how this is supposed to work?

Satan is relentless.

God dropped me off at the pool with no one to watch over me but a relentless beast who wants to kill me and rip me apart like a wolf.

That's what I feel like sometimes.

I feel like a kindergartener who was forgotten about in the pickup line at school and a pedophile kidnapped me and took me home instead.

Worse yet I feel like God drove me to the pedophiles house himself and told me to get out of the car.

That's what he did to Job, isn't it?

Sure God picked him up years later and gave him everything he ever wanted or needed in life, but seriously - what the hell?

I feel like God left me a lot of time. I'm not going to lie about it. I feel abandoned. I feel forgotten about. God walked out of the room and I felt him leave. It got cold and dark in here. I don't care what the Bible says about it - I don't feel God here and that's a big deal to me.

I feel no God in my life sometimes.

It sucks and I hate it and I want God back in my life but he comes and goes on his terms and I hate that and there's nothing I can do about it.

But you know who doesn't ever leave me? Who is always breathing down the back of my neck?

You know who really is relentless in his attack against me like I wish God was relentless in his defense of me?

The devil. Satan. The evil one. He sticks with me no matter what.

God doesn't. God skips town on me and it's complete bullshit.

I know all about God being omni-present and everything, and if that's true, and God really is here with me right now, even though I can't feel his presence, this is what I say to him:

God, this is bullshit. I'm not playing this game anymore. It sucks. Life is crap right now and you're just sitting there with that all-knowing look on your face and you think you're teaching me some great and useful lesson with your silence but the fact is, I'm tired of the lessons. I'm sick of it. I don't want to learn anything anymore. I drop out. I'm done. I lose. The devil wins. Whatever I have to say to be done. This sucks.

Whenever you decide to speak up, I'm listening, but I'm done with the lessons. I'm done learning things your way. I don't learn anything like that, and you should know that better than anyone. If you want to talk to me, I wish you would do it in a way that works for me. I'm not coming your way anymore. I'm so sick of this crap. You think you can just be completely quiet and stare at me and that's how we have a conversation? THAT DOESN'T WORK IN THE REAL WORLD.

And you're still quiet.

Thanks. This sucks.

If you need me I'll be out back getting raped by Satan. I would love nothing more than for you to come do something about it.

Thanks for taking the time to sit there and do absolutely nothing.

Seeya later.

That's what I think sometimes, and that sometimes is right now.