God's got me low right now. I'm downcast and downtrodden and just worn out from the trouble of walking around down here. I've been supremely pissed at God lately. I've been raging and shouting and crying and feeling broke and miserable and apparently that's where God wants me to be for the moment. I've been feeling a little bit like Job lately - as if God offered me up to the enemy to screw with me just to see what I would do, which I think is total bullshit. I hate that about God. I hate that God does that stuff. I hate that the reward for seeking hard after the Lord is God letting you see what it feels like to be out from under the cover of his wings for awhile. It's dark and cold and miserable and I don't want to be here. But I think the purpose of it is this: A good friend of mine sent me a video yesterday and it broke me down like I've never been broke before.
If you feel like God is tearing you apart right now, this is for you:
God's plans for us feel pretty screwed up sometimes, and right now I am deep in the middle of it, and all I can do is say this:
Though you ruin me, still I will worship.
I've been on this dumb stupid momentary spiritual high for a while that had me thinking I was this powerful mighty man of God who breaks down walls and casts out demons and calls lightning bolts down from the sky but the awful yet comforting truth is that I am at my very best for God when I am utterly and completely broken.
Pride is a heavy cloak to wear and when I didn't throw it off myself God ripped it from my shoulders with anger and violence and a friend of mine bought it from me for a thousand bucks this week.
So I'm broke, tattered, torn, ripped to pieces - and back to normal.
A few months ago I asked a friend if I could have some if his Shalom and he said no. God wants me to be here and so this is where I'll be. Being broke at the throne of grace is actually a whole lot easier than being Samson. I'm not Samson, I'm just little scrawny me and that's how God made me and that's good.
God, I don't like what you're doing, and I don't have a good attitude about it, and I'm certainly not happy about it, but
though you slay me, yet I will praise you though you take from me, I will bless your name though you ruin me, still I will worship