The Gospel According to Me: Bad Friday

Below is my paraphrase of Luke 23, a recount of the worst / most necessary event in history:A bunch of jerks snatched Jesus up in the middle of the night and brought him to a guy named Pilate (some local politician/judge), yelling all kinds of crap about him. They told Pilate that Jesus was causing all sorts of trouble and telling people he was god.

So Pilate asks him "Are you god?"

and Jesus is like "You better believe it."

And Pilate gets totally freaked out cause he's not completely sure what's going on, and he really doesn't want to try to mess with anyone that might be god, so he tells the people "This guy isn't guilty of anything."

And the crowd of people, which was growing larger, just goes completely crazy and keeps on yelling out bad stuff that Jesus had done. One guy yells "He's a troublemaker! He started this whole deal in Galilee and brought it all the way to Jerusalem!"

And Pilate goes "Wait a second, this guy is from Galilee? Awesome, he's not my problem. Send him to Herod." Cause Galilee was under this guy Herod's jurisdiction.

So they take him to Herod, who happened to be in town. Herod thought he was going to get some kind of magic show from Jesus, like a bunch of stupid miracles and stuff, but Jesus just stood there, silent. Herod asked him all kinds of questions and kind of did the good-cop, bad-cop thing for a while, but Jesus didn't say a word.

After a while, Herod and all his cronies started to get pissed, cause Jesus was just completely ignoring them, so they started calling him names and just basically being complete assholes to him. They dressed him up like an idiot and sent him back to Pilate.

Pilate really didn't want to have to deal with him, so he got all his top leaders together and told them that Jesus had pretty much done nothing wrong. He said he would basically slap him on the wrist and let him go, and the leaders were like "Alright, cool."

But the huge crowed that had gathered was getting out of control and acting all bloodthirsty, shouting for Pilate to kill Jesus, which seemed completely insane since he had really never been convicted of any crime.

Pilate was like "Woah, okay everybody just chill out. I'm not going to kill this guy, alright? He hasn't even done anything wrong. You people are nuts."

But the crowd wouldn't listen and started getting really crazy. It was like they just wanted to see somebody get off-ed. After a while Pilate realized he wasn't going to change their minds, so he was like "Alright, fine. I'll kill him. Are you happy, you freaks?"

And the crowd was like "YEAH!! MURDER!!!! YAY!!" Like a bunch of crackheads around a dead possum.

Pilate handed Jesus over to them and they got started with the whole murdering ordeal, nailing him up on a big wooden cross and all that.

By this time, basically everyone in the town of Jerusalem had come out to see what was going on. People were screaming and crying and going crazy and it was just city-wide mass hysteria.

So Jesus yells down at the crowd "Hey, don't cry for me down there, cry for yourselves, cause if this is how they treat me - you guys are really in for it. I feel sorry for you guys. It's about to get real bad down there."

And all the people around him were like "Oh, shit."

Then Jesus looks up at the sky and goes "Dad, don't hold this against them, they have no idea what they're doing."

While all of this was going on, they brought out two other guys to be killed along with Jesus, and hung them up on crosses too.

One of the two guys says to Jesus, "Hey man, since you're god and all, why don't you do something about this?"

And the other guy was like, "Dude, shut up. We're here because we got busted man, you know the drill. This Jesus guy didn't do squat and he is getting it way worse than us" and then he says to Jesus, "Hey, don't listen to him, he's an idiot. Just don't forget about us when this is all over with, okay?"

And Jesus is like "No problem man, I got you guys covered. Just tell em you're with me."

Then Jesus looks up at the sky again and goes "Okay, that's all I got."

And he drops his head and dies.

One of the guards that was supervising the whole thing was like "Hey, uh, I think he might have seriously been god." But most everyone else was too stupid or crazy to realize it.

After that, everyone kind of scattered and went home, leaving Jesus and the other two guys there hanging. Some guy named Joseph had asked Pilate earlier if he could take care of Jesus' body, so he went and got Jesus down from his cross. He wrapped Jesus' bloody body in some nice cloth and put him in a small cave and rolled a giant boulder in front of it with the help of some other people.

And that was it. That's how they killed god.

It was a Friday afternoon.

O Generation Faithless

I have been reading through the first few books of the second part of the Bible recently (I am on page 127) and I have stumbled upon something that is very surprising.The Jesus of the Bible has very little in common with the Jesus I was told about as a kid. In fact, I have never heard this Jesus preached at a church in all of my adult life.

I wrote about this once before, but the deal has officially been sealed for me. I now know of a Jesus that I was previously unaware of.

To contrast this amazing difference, let me explain Jesus A:

Kind, loving, tender, meek, etc. This is the Jesus that, as Rob Bell describes, walks calmly along beaches wearing a white bathrobe and a light blue beauty pageant sash - and his hair is blow dried - and he's Swedish. This is the Jesus that does very little other than pet goats and pat little kids on the head and read books to them. He is weak.

Now. The Jesus of what we now know as the collected works of The Bible:

He is fanatical. Tireless, yet tired. He is rude, brash, sarcastic, blunt, and frustrated. He seems constantly sick of the stupidity of the people that follow him around and attempt to learn from him. He expects people to see or hear something once, then believe it, and then do it. He expects it. He is continuously throwing his hands up to the sky and (apparently) asking God how he is supposed to work with these people.

A few examples:

O generation faithless, twisted and crooked, how long must I be with you? How much can I bear? Bring the boy to me." - Jesus, after returning from a night of camping with a few guys, and finding out that the rest of his guys had failed to do their jobs as they were instructed. | Luke 9:41

They had no idea what he meant by this; they heard the words but missed the meaning, and they felt too afraid to ask him to explain further. - The disciples feelings after Jesus had explained that he was going to be arrested and killed. | Luke 9:45 (why would the disciples be afraid to ask for an explanation of a meek and gentle person?)

You just don't get it. - Jesus, in response to a disciples question of whether Jesus wanted him to call down fire from heaven to destroy the people who have rejected his teachings. | Luke 9:55

These are all from the same chapter of just one book in the New Testament. I would challenge anyone who doesn't know this Jesus to re-read a few Jesus books in the Bible and decide for yourselves which is the real and which is the manufactured. But, even if you don't do it, just know that ignoring it doesn't make it any less true. It's in there. Sitting on your bookshelf. Waiting. It's all there. Written in black ink in plain English.

The sad part is - people just don't want to know the real Jesus. They want the weak, powerless Jesus that sits in the passenger seat telling you everything is going to be OK. There was a guy in the Bible like that, but his name wasn't Jesus, it was Adam.

The guy in the picture? That's Jesus.