The Gospel According to Me: Bad Friday

Below is my paraphrase of Luke 23, a recount of the worst / most necessary event in history:A bunch of jerks snatched Jesus up in the middle of the night and brought him to a guy named Pilate (some local politician/judge), yelling all kinds of crap about him. They told Pilate that Jesus was causing all sorts of trouble and telling people he was god.

So Pilate asks him "Are you god?"

and Jesus is like "You better believe it."

And Pilate gets totally freaked out cause he's not completely sure what's going on, and he really doesn't want to try to mess with anyone that might be god, so he tells the people "This guy isn't guilty of anything."

And the crowd of people, which was growing larger, just goes completely crazy and keeps on yelling out bad stuff that Jesus had done. One guy yells "He's a troublemaker! He started this whole deal in Galilee and brought it all the way to Jerusalem!"

And Pilate goes "Wait a second, this guy is from Galilee? Awesome, he's not my problem. Send him to Herod." Cause Galilee was under this guy Herod's jurisdiction.

So they take him to Herod, who happened to be in town. Herod thought he was going to get some kind of magic show from Jesus, like a bunch of stupid miracles and stuff, but Jesus just stood there, silent. Herod asked him all kinds of questions and kind of did the good-cop, bad-cop thing for a while, but Jesus didn't say a word.

After a while, Herod and all his cronies started to get pissed, cause Jesus was just completely ignoring them, so they started calling him names and just basically being complete assholes to him. They dressed him up like an idiot and sent him back to Pilate.

Pilate really didn't want to have to deal with him, so he got all his top leaders together and told them that Jesus had pretty much done nothing wrong. He said he would basically slap him on the wrist and let him go, and the leaders were like "Alright, cool."

But the huge crowed that had gathered was getting out of control and acting all bloodthirsty, shouting for Pilate to kill Jesus, which seemed completely insane since he had really never been convicted of any crime.

Pilate was like "Woah, okay everybody just chill out. I'm not going to kill this guy, alright? He hasn't even done anything wrong. You people are nuts."

But the crowd wouldn't listen and started getting really crazy. It was like they just wanted to see somebody get off-ed. After a while Pilate realized he wasn't going to change their minds, so he was like "Alright, fine. I'll kill him. Are you happy, you freaks?"

And the crowd was like "YEAH!! MURDER!!!! YAY!!" Like a bunch of crackheads around a dead possum.

Pilate handed Jesus over to them and they got started with the whole murdering ordeal, nailing him up on a big wooden cross and all that.

By this time, basically everyone in the town of Jerusalem had come out to see what was going on. People were screaming and crying and going crazy and it was just city-wide mass hysteria.

So Jesus yells down at the crowd "Hey, don't cry for me down there, cry for yourselves, cause if this is how they treat me - you guys are really in for it. I feel sorry for you guys. It's about to get real bad down there."

And all the people around him were like "Oh, shit."

Then Jesus looks up at the sky and goes "Dad, don't hold this against them, they have no idea what they're doing."

While all of this was going on, they brought out two other guys to be killed along with Jesus, and hung them up on crosses too.

One of the two guys says to Jesus, "Hey man, since you're god and all, why don't you do something about this?"

And the other guy was like, "Dude, shut up. We're here because we got busted man, you know the drill. This Jesus guy didn't do squat and he is getting it way worse than us" and then he says to Jesus, "Hey, don't listen to him, he's an idiot. Just don't forget about us when this is all over with, okay?"

And Jesus is like "No problem man, I got you guys covered. Just tell em you're with me."

Then Jesus looks up at the sky again and goes "Okay, that's all I got."

And he drops his head and dies.

One of the guards that was supervising the whole thing was like "Hey, uh, I think he might have seriously been god." But most everyone else was too stupid or crazy to realize it.

After that, everyone kind of scattered and went home, leaving Jesus and the other two guys there hanging. Some guy named Joseph had asked Pilate earlier if he could take care of Jesus' body, so he went and got Jesus down from his cross. He wrapped Jesus' bloody body in some nice cloth and put him in a small cave and rolled a giant boulder in front of it with the help of some other people.

And that was it. That's how they killed god.

It was a Friday afternoon.

I had a dream last night

I dreamed I was in a strange place last night. A place that doesn't exactly exist, but it sort of does. It was very specific.

I was traveling by myself in a group of island countries, out in the middle of the Adriatic Sea, which was much farther north than in reality. There were three countries in the group. Norway, Franz Josef Land, and Icretile Island (which doesn't exist anywhere, to my knowledge). They made a sort of crescent shape with a bay in the middle that faced east. Like the letter C. Norway at the south, Franz Josef Land at the north, and Icretile making the western edge.

Each of the three countries was an island of its own, but the distance between them was not more than a hundred yards of water or so. So you could swim from one to the next pretty easily.

The coasts of each were steep wooded rocky slopes that went right into the water with very little beach. So it was a little tricky to get down one, swim across, and up the other, but it made for a great evening adventure.

Both Franz Josef Land and Norway had modern civilizations, but totally unlike their actual cities, I am sure. I didn't spend much time in the former, but the latter seemed much more like Cuba might be, in reality. Old cars, dirty but charming buildings, nice dark skinned people. Lots of motorcycles with two or three people on them. No real tall buildings, but lots of unorganized streets and alleys and restaurants, all scattered about and bustling. People everywhere. I assumed Franz Josef was the same.

But Icretile had nothing. No inhabitants whatsoever.

I was sitting on the northwestern coastal ridge of Norway, looking across the straight to Icretile, and wondering about what might be there. I occurred to me that every island story may well have taken place there. Robinson Crusoe, Godzilla, Jurassic Park, on and on. It was a dangerous, ravenous place that people had simply avoided for the most part. All anyone knew about it was that there were grizzly bears there, that sometime swam across the straight to scavenge the coasts of Norway and Franz Josef Land.

It was nighttime and the major cities of Norway were behind me, further up the ridge and over, making the night sky dark and huge. The stars were absolutely mind bending. You could literally sit and watch them move, like you see in time-lapse photography, only way faster. It was amazing and hypnotizing.

I was sitting in a rock outcropping near the water, hiding from the wind, when I noticed a grizzly bear climb out of the water and disappear behind a rock to my right. He was coming up the side of the ridge.

He appeared again much closer to me, and I stayed hidden as well as possible. He didn't seem interested in me, or that he even noticed me at all. It was loud out there, with the waves crashing down below and the wind moving over the rocks. He was looking for dead birds or something anyway.

Regardless, I didn't want to hang around to find out what would happen if he did find me. So I snuck out from my perch and scrambled quietly back up the ridge and into town below on the other side.

They spoke a language I wasn't familiar with, but sounded close to something I knew. It could've been Portuguese. I asked someone where I might find a decent meal and a hotel room. They told me a few things, which I basically understood, and walked out from the lively courtyard I was in to an alleyway that led into another less busy street. I found the place, which served good salsa and cold light beer. I sat there a while at a streetside table, watching the people walk by and laugh, sometimes glancing at me.

After I ate I paid the bill and rented a room for a week in an apartment/hotel above the restaurant. I unlocked the door, dropped my backpack on a chair, and fell onto the bed. The windows were open to the street below and the linen curtains moved slightly in the faint evening breeze.

Happy Anniversary Babe: Five Years.

Five years ago, on the night of November 20th, 2004, I didn't sleep a wink. Lying in a hotel bed next to my brother and thinking that it would be the last time I shared a hotel bed with my brother was enough to keep me up. Thinking about what I was going to do the next day made me electric. The absolute commitment I was about to make. How many people would be there. It's a heavy thing, getting married, and it should not be done lightly.

I watched the clock all night long, waiting for 8am, or 8:30, or 9:00, or whatever time it was that we had to be up and moving. I finally got up a few minutes early cause I was driving myself mad lying there.

Standing up from the bed and walking to the bathroom to brush my teeth, I'd never felt more nervous. Never in my life, which isn't much to say, as I am typically a pretty chilled out kind of guy, but I'm not sure if anyone had ever felt that nervous before.

Micaiah had gotten a prescription for Xanax, to mellow her nerves, but she woke up feeling great. So I popped a bar, which chilled me out nicely. Too nicely, actually. After no sleep the night before, I was crashing hard. I felt drunk without the fun.

We had the rehearsal the morning of the wedding, because we weren't able to get into the church the day before. So everyone showed up and started running through the motions at the chapel. When to walk, where to stand, how to move, all that stuff. You have to go through that stuff or it looks totally messy when you do it for real. So we spent some time doing that. I'd say how long, but I have no concept of time on that day. I felt like I was drifting in and out of consciousness.

After the rehearsal, me and my dudes went to Cracker Barrel for breakfast and I was literally falling asleep at the table. The wedding wasn't until 2pm, with reception to follow, and then a four hour drive for me and Micaiah to Kansas City to stay at Hotel Philips for the first night of our honeymoon before continuing on to Keystone, Colorado the next day. I had way too much to do to be falling asleep at 10am.

So I popped an Adderall to combat the Xanny.

Bad idea.

I completely lost my appetite and the nerves came back full force. I was wide awake, but still tired. I felt like someone had grabbed a power line and zapped me with it. Electric, shaky, freaked out, emotional, fully awake but fully asleep, nowhere near where I needed to be. I was a zombie.

Back at the hotel, someone must've put me in my tuxedo, because I don't know how else I ended up there.

We went to the chapel where me and Micaiah were to see each other before the wedding to do pictures. They stood me at the end of the aisle, just me, and sent Micaiah in the back door, just her. The only other person in the room was the photographer. When I turned around to see my bride walking toward me, in all her radiant glory, like a buttery golden angel drifting to me in my sleep, I burst into uncontrollable tears. I was weeping. It was one of the most amazing things I had ever seen in my life. It meant a lot to me (and still does) that she was essentially declaring her trust of me for the rest of her life. Its a deeply emotional thing.

The photographer was so overcome by the emotions in the room she started crying too, and then left because she felt like she was intruding on something amazing.

Now, after that there are only a few moments that I actually remember from that day: I was supposed to do a welcome type thing right before the ceremony started, which I had Fatt lined up to do in my stead because I was crying so hard I could literally not talk. As I walked down the aisle with the other groomsmen, I was going to give Fatt a signal if I needed him to say the welcome for me, but when I got to the front, Scram gave me a high-five as I stepped on to the stage, which gave me an easy settled feeling that somehow allowed me to appear normal for about two minutes. I opened my mouth, and words came out, and people laughed, and then it stopped and I realized I had gotten through it seemingly unscathed.

I also remember that Kate and Derek sang a Waterdeep song at the wedding, which, for a short time, calmed me down to a somewhat reasonable level of consciousness.

Other than that, I honestly don't remember much. We made it to Kansas City after the reception without crashing somehow, although we did end up wrecking the car later on the honeymoon. It was my moms almost new Mercedes and the windows still had "Just Married" written on the back. The cop didn't give me a ticket because he felt sorry for me.

So, I am sorry babe, but other than the pictures, which I only halfway believe, that is my memory of our wedding day. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Thanks for trusting me and thanks for being my partner.

Happy anniversary. I still love you the same, only a billion times more.

Your face, your race, the way that you talk

I kiss you, you're beautiful, I want you to walk

We got five years.